Today's a whining post. I'd urge you to skip over this.
So, the daily posting has definitely come to a halt, but I'll try not to let this blog die out. Not just yet. I've been pretty busy trying to catch up with old friends. But as I watch myself interact with others, I can't help but think that something terrible has happened to me. I'm different. But not in the way you would hope someone would be after a year of Bible college. While I try to be more focused on Christ and try to be more considerate of those around me, I just seem to be getting worse. I've become even less articulate, more awkward, more clueless, less confident, more overemotional, and afraid of everything... Where did all of this come from?
Actually, a lot of old friends have made comments about me based on how I used to be that really kinda hurt... I don't know how to respond, but it sounds like I used to be a real piece of work. But it's like I'm only trading out terrible qualities for other terrible qualities. What am I doing? What do I do now?
I have nothing to look forward to! I know this is dramatic, but it's refreshing to at least be honest every now and then. I don't want to go to UCCS. I don't ever want to go to school again. Neither do I want to stay home, 'cause I'll just end up playing video games and watching TV all day. I don't really want to go to Camp Elim, either... I mean, with this emotional and spiritual instability, I especially don't want to be counseling. I really can't seem to find anything I want except a fantasy girl who does not exist and children I'll probably screw up twice as bad as I have myself. Yeah, the dream is still to make video games, but I don't believe in myself at all anymore. And God seems to be silent... or I can't hear Him, or I'm not listening, or something.
Is it really fair to pin all this on Emmaus, or was this character decay inevitable? I feel like, as gay as it may sound, Emmaus has crushed my spirit. I feel like I've been driven insane and reduced to nothing. Though Emmaus is (and always will be) over, I feel haunted. I don't know if it was the shame-based teaching, the impossibly lofty expectations, or the perpetual inability to be myself, but I feel devastated. Like I have nothing left.
I turned the comments off for this post, 'cause I don't want anyone to feel obligated to say something. I'm not looking for pity, and I'm certainly not looking for the default Christian answers. This is just something I had to say.
Unworthy though I am,
O Bread of Life, O Bread of Life,
I will be healed and come.
Christ, Christ is my light.
-Karen Peris, The Innocence Mission
